Breakups are hard. Whether it’s from a situationship that never really had a clear label, or the person you thought was your soulmate—letting go is never easy. It’s no surprise that many people have turned to “Banksying” and are avoiding commitment more than ever before. But the worst kind of breakup (in my opinion, at least) is the one that never really ends. Maybe you’re stuck in an on-and-off again cycle and can’t stop answering those 2 a.m. texts. Or maybe you’re just checking their Instagram like it’s your full-time job. Whatever it is, that lingering attachment might be what’s keeping you from truly moving on.
This is where the no contact rule comes into play. Sometimes, the healthiest thing you can do is walk away—no texts, no calls, no checking their social media. It’s a powerful step toward healing after a breakup, or even cutting ties with a toxic family member or friend. But is it really the best way to move on? Or can it leave you stuck with more questions than closure? I spoke to experts at Manhattan Wellness to break down the truth behind the no contact rule. Ahead, we’re diving into what it really means, how long it has to last, if it works, and whether it’s right for you.
Elizabeth Marks, LCSW
As a therapist for Manhattan Wellness, Elizabeth has gained diverse experience working with a wide range of mental health concerns, including but not limited to depression, anxiety, adjustment difficulties, PTSD, and sexual identity. Her approach is focused on a strengths-based perspective and individualized to fit YOUR needs. If you are struggling with relationships, self-doubt, increased anxiety or depressive symptoms, Elizabeth is a therapeutic partner through life’s twists and turns.
What is the no contact rule?
The no contact rule is as straightforward as it sounds—cutting off all forms of contact with a person physically, emotionally, and even digitally. That means no texting, no “just checking in,” and definitely no lurking on their social media. According to Elizabeth Marks, LCSW at Manhattan Wellness, this also includes removing things like old photos, mementos, or shared playlists—basically anything that could reopen the wound or make you think about them unprompted. “No contact is about consciously shifting your energy onto new goals,” says Marks. “Instead of clinging to ‘what ifs,’ it’s a decision to focus on you.”
Why do people go no contact?
People go no contact to create true distance from another person. Marks explains that this “interrupts the cycle of emotional spikes that have previously pulled you back into patterns with this ex-partner.” For example, if seeing their name pop up on your phone immediately makes you overwhelmed, anxious, or upset, going no contact would prevent you from panic responding, opening up a conversation, and getting into an argument for the umpteenth time. If you’re constantly being reminded of someone, you’re not really giving yourself the space to move on. So, no contact gives you room to detox, emotionally reset, and put yourself first to protect your peace.
How long should a no contact period last?
The no contact rule doesn’t have a universal timeline. For some, especially those leaving a toxic or abusive relationship, going no contact might be a permanent solution. But this might not always be necessary. Implementing a 30/60/90 plan can help you decide how long you want (or need) no contact to last, according to Marks. Here’s how it works:
30 days: This is your hard reset, where you break the habit and resist the urge to reach out.
60 days: This is when the emotions hit, but also when the healing starts. Reflect and grieve during this time.
90 days: At this point, you can rebuild your confidence and begin to trust that their presence no longer has power over you.
After 90 days, it’s up to you to decide if you want to open up the door again. Maybe you want closure or clarity, or maybe you want them back in your life in some capacity. Healing isn’t a linear process, and it’s different for everyone. Some people might find clarity in less time or need much more. The most important thing in all of this is honoring your emotional needs and taking it one day at a time.
Does the no contact rule really work?
If done for the right reasons, the no contact rule can absolutely help you heal. Sometimes all you need is separation to break bonds for good. When you are being constantly reminded of what a person is doing or thinking through social media, texting, or calling, it can feel impossible to move on. That saying, “out of sight, out of mind”? It’s spot-on.
It’s not effective, however, when it’s used as a manipulation tactic. “If the real goal is not to move forward and instead is trying to make the partner chase you, then you’re still tied to their reaction and the mental energy is still fueling the negative pattern,” Marks explains. She also notes that no contact doesn’t work if situational contact is unavoidable, whether that’s through co-parenting or working together. If that’s the case, it’s important to set strong and unwavering boundaries that allow you the space and time to heal.
How to know if it’s right for you
If you’re trying to leave a toxic or codependent relationship, following the no contact rule might be exactly what you need. It’s not easy, but it is effective in breaking an unhealthy cycle and enabling safe healing. Marks often recommends it for clients with anxious attachment styles, especially those who tend to spiral or replay conversations in their heads. “Removing that immediate access to the person gives you a real chance to break out of impulsive communication patterns,” she says. This can help you finally see outside of the situation and create a path forward. Ultimately, you know yourself best‚ so you get to decide the rules. However, if you’re unsure what to do, talking it through with a friend who has done it before or even a therapist can help you make the right decision for you.
Jenna Piotrowicz, Editorial Assistant
Jenna began working as an Editorial Assistant for The Everygirl in 2024. With her eye for detail, she assists the team with content creation, sourcing products and images, and works behind the scenes to support The Everygirl in uploading and updating content.
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